


Playback, Delete, and Rewind

by squirtotles



Category: Gugudan (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 10:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9603680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squirtotles/pseuds/squirtotles
Summary: Nayoung takes a trip down her memory lane, and all that she remembers is a girl named Kim Sejeong.





	

Nayoung remembers the first time she’s met Sejeong, the day’s events are clear as crystal in her memory, and as long as she’s willing to click the play button, it goes on and on, just like a broken record tape and Nayoung knows it will never slip off her mind. Ten years down the road, twenty years, maybe even thirty years, and Nayoung knows that she’ll still remember every second of their first encounter, as if it had happened the day before. It was during her kindergarten days, when everything was pure and simple, when everyone was innocent and naïve.

 

She was picking at the crayons as she messily colored a blank piece of paper, giggling while she did so. She used to find joy at every single thing, and Nayoung would’ve almost regarded herself as the optimist of the generation. She lifted her head when some of the other children started chattering noisily, and cracked a shy smile to welcome a new batch of students as they were lined up orderly in front of the cafeteria. _New students_ , her own voice said in her head. She noticed the girl at the very back of the line, clutching onto her mother’s pinky finger, unwilling to let go. The other kids had, by now, waved goodbye to their parents and were already running about, scrambling around as thrilled squeals filled the place, but the girl didn’t seemed like she was ready to let go anytime soon.

 

“Sejeong,” she heard the girl’s mother said, “It’s okay, and you’ll make friends.”

 

“I don’t want any friends!” The girl cried out. “I only want you here, mom!”

 

Nayoung watched as Sejeong’s mom chuckled, peeling Sejeong’s hands away from her finger.

 

“There are many other kids who are willing to make friends with you,” her mother said, “Look.”

 

Before Nayoung knew it, she saw a finger being pointed at her direction, and Sejeong whirled her head around to look at her. She blinked when they made eye contact, staring into the warm brown orbs as they stared back at her, before Nayoung shyly walked away. The warm brown orbs, however, stuck to her memory.

 

//

 

Nayoung remembers the first time she spoke to Sejeong, when her uncertain and hesitant self had done something she was certain she could deem as the best decision of her life.

 

The younger girl had her hands in her pockets, her knees up her chin as she sat folded like a paper crane at the corner of the classroom. Nayoung, at the age of five, thought it was only appropriate to approach strangers and make friends. She skipped over.

 

“Hi!”

 

Nayoung waved a hand at the other girl, expecting a reply in return. On the contrary, she received a cold shoulder as Sejeong turned to face the wall. Crossing her arms, Nayoung scooted towards the wall, planting herself in front of Sejeong.

 

“Hi!” she repeated, “What’s your name?”

 

Sejeong narrowed her eyes at her.

 

Having her confidence lowered by then, Nayoung nervously played with her fingers, struggling to maintain eye contact with the other girl. She could’ve walked away, ditched the naïve idea of befriending every single person she sees, but she was never one to give up.

 

“I’m Kim Nayoung,” she said with a tone lower than she had spoken earlier, “and what’s yours?”

 

It wasn’t really a question, or a rhetorical one at most, since she already knew the other girl’s name. Instead, it was a gesture to make friends, and Nayoung really wanted Sejeong as a friend.

 

She observed the way Sejeong’s frown slowly turned its way upside down, and the way the ends of her lips curled its way upwards, and before she knew it, Sejeong was smiling at her. Despite only being the first time, Nayoung was positive that the image of Sejeong smiling at her would be etched on her memory forever.

 

“I’m Kim Sejeong.”

 

//

 

Nayoung remembers the first time she became friends with Sejeong, and honestly, Nayoung would call it fate.

 

Unfortunately, their kindergarten days didn’t grant them many opportunities to actually get close to each other. So Nayoung ditched her original plan, and came to a conclusion that maybe, Kim Sejeong, despite having a smile that could make her heart flutter, wasn’t suited for her.

 

However, she was proven wrong when they ended up in the same high school, and compared to all the other times Nayoung had been proven wrong, she was actually glad this happened.

 

Nayoung was in her second year, accustomed to the lifestyle of a high school student. She had a decent number of friends, _heck_ , she even had someone who was even interested in her, but she tried to brush it off her mind and focus her attention on her studies instead, until Kim Sejeong came striding into her life again.

 

She was barely recognizable, Nayoung noted, the first time they bumped into each other in the school compound. As dramatic as it may sound, Nayoung had her arms wrapped around a stack of books, and she was rushing for a class. When she felt someone slam into her with such a large force that made her tumble to the ground with her books scattered all over, she was about to scream at the person at the top of her lungs, until she saw who it was.

 

“I’m sorry!”

 

She barely simmered down with the apology, but when they locked gazes for a mere second, Nayoung managed to recognize the girl, who also seemed to have received the shock as her eyes widened.

 

“Kim Nayoung?”

 

Nayoung is surprised that Sejeong actually remembered her name, and to add on to her surprise, the girl looked completely different from what she did before. She’s grown up to be much prettier, yet that same smile was enough for Nayoung to not mistake her for someone else.

 

She smiled back, and for a moment, it didn’t matter that her books were scattered along the hallway, it didn’t matter that she was going to be seriously late for her class. All it mattered was the fact that Kim Sejeong was less than a meter apart from her, the fact that she managed to fish out an opportunity she never thought she would ever have, and she vowed to never let go of the rod ever again.

 

//

 

Nayoung remember the first time she went out with Sejeong, and although the times that they hung out together were innumerable, the first time remained the most significant.

 

She idly spun her fingers around her ball pen, her left foot tapping impatiently on the ground as she eyed the wall clock intently. Nayoung was never really a studious person, only barely passing her examinations, but definitely not one who paid full attention in class. She started counting down from ten, and when she finally mouthed _one,_ the bell rang loudly, and in Nayoung’s ears, it sounded a whole lot like the crackling of fireworks.

 

She rose from her seat, sweeping her books and stationaries into her bag, before she hastily zipped it up and dashed out of the classroom. Brushing shoulders with the other students along the hallway, her grip on her phone tightened as she scrolled down her contacts, and when she saw Sejeong’s name, a cheeky grin formed on her face. She tapped the call button without any hesitation, replacing her usual two steps with one as she made her way towards the entrance of the school.

 

There was nothing fancy about their first outing. They stood at the end of the line, with coins in their palms as they waited for their turn to order their desired ice cream. Nayoung called for vanilla, and Sejeong, chocolate. They sat at a wooden bench in the park, and with the chirping of birds and the splashing of sea waves filling their ears; Nayoung had never felt more contented. With the presence of Sejeong as a plus point, Nayoung was certain of her happiness.

 

Nayoung never expected them to really click, at least not for the first time. But they did, and Nayoung felt herself warming up to Sejeong faster than expected, and they were already chatting about anything and everything under the sky.

 

Nayoung learned that Sejeong’s family consisted of her mother and her older brother, and that their family had moved from Anyang to Seoul a few years back so as to allow Sejeong to further pursue her studies. Nayoung also learned that Sejeong was the most optimistic person she has ever met, because despite the hardships she faced throughout the years as a teenager, there was no observable sadness in her eyes, and her face was only filled with smiles.

 

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Sejeong asked, snapping Nayoung out of her thoughts.

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just,” Nayoung struggled to construct a proper sentence, and she could feel the heat spreading across her cheeks.

 

“You’re absolutely beautiful.”

 

Nayoung immediately contorted her face at the sound of her corny remark, but when Sejeong’s shy giggle entered her eardrums, she never felt more proud in her life. She laughed along, and watched as the other girl broke into a continuous fit of giggles, and when she had to squint to keep her eyes open, she was sure it was not just due to the sun.

 

//

 

Nayoung remembers the first time she fought with Sejeong, when everything seemed like a maze with no exit, a puzzle with no solution, yet she was saved from drowning in further misunderstandings, and Nayoung could see clearer, think deeper, hear better.

 

Nayoung parked her car at an empty space, before jogging to the nearby stall. She always knew where to find Sejeong whenever the other girl was upset, and there was only once place she could be.

 

Nayoung walked in to witness Sejeong downing another cup of alcohol, slamming the cup back onto the table with unnecessary force. She walked over and grabbed the other girl by her wrist.

 

“Stop drinking.”

 

If Sejeong was surprised to see her, she most certainly did not show it, and instead, she slapped Nayoung’s hands away from her wrist, stumbling back with heavy footsteps.

 

“Why-” she closed her eyes as she hiccupped, pausing before she started talking again. “-are you here?”

 

Nayoung released a sigh as she walked over, but the other girl only shoved her backwards.

 

“Sejeong,” she pleaded, watching as the other girl reached down for another cup, “Stop drinking.”

 

“Why would you care?” Sejeong spat at her, waving her refilled cup of alcohol, some of its contents spilling as she swayed too much.

 

“I saw-” Sejeong paused to take another gulp, before continuing, “You kissed th-that girl, Suhyun or s-something.”

 

Nayoung winced; she really shouldn’t have done that.

 

“I can explain,” Nayoung said, “It’s because Suhyun couldn’t think of any other way to confess but I don’t-”

 

“I don’t care!” Sejeong rested her hand on the table, “Go make out with her for all I care.”

 

It hurt, Nayoung felt a jab to her heart, it really hurt. She kept it in by sinking her teeth down on her lower lip, clenching her fists, but at the same time, she also felt anger boiled within her.

 

“Let’s just go.”

 

Despite the protest Sejeong made, Nayoung hastily grabbed her by the arm, paid for the several bottles of soju and dragged her towards her car, slamming the door on Sejeong before she got on her side and took off driving.

 

The journey was silent with the exception of Sejeong’s occasional hiccups. When they reached a traffic light, Nayoung whipped out her phone to send a text to Sejeong’s mother, coming up with an excuse for Sejeong to stay the night over at her house, and that was when Sejeong started crying.

 

“I fucking hate Kim Nayoung,” she wailed, slapping Nayoung’s arm with so much force she knew it would have caused an accident if she were driving.

 

“I hate Kim Nayoung so much…” her voice trailed off, her sobs now replaced with sniffles, “But I really really love her too.”

 

Nayoung’s breath hitched in her throat.

 

She turned to her side to look at the other girl, now knocked out as her head lay on the glass window of Nayoung’s car. As her face bathed in the soft glow of the light from the lamp posts, Nayoung felt a smile creep on her face as she admire the sight, and she never thought that anyone would look more beautiful than a sleeping Kim Sejeong. If it weren’t for the traffic lights, which abruptly changed its color from red to green, Nayoung was sure she wouldn’t mind spending an eternity simply admiring the face of Sejeong.

 

//

 

Nayoung remembers the first time she confessed to Sejeong, when she felt butterflies in her stomach, fluttering uncontrollably as she hears her heart drumming against her chest.

 

Nayoung watched as Sejeong emerged from her bathroom, a towel draping over to cover her forehead, her hair dripping with water.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Horrible,” Sejeong grumbled, slumping onto the couch. “I don’t even know how I got this drunk.”

 

“You don’t remember anything?” Nayoung asked.

 

Sejeong shook her head.

Nayoung hummed in disapproval as she kept her gaze on the other girl with her eyebrows furrowed in suspicion and her chin propped in the palm of her right hand as she sat cross-legged. Sejeong looked back at her, her lips slightly apart as she tried to get a non-verbal answer from her, but her face slowly contorted into a mixture of horror, embarrassment and shock. Realization hit Sejeong all at once, and she immediately stood up from the couch, her face pink and her lips drawn into a thin line.

 

“Thanks for letting me stay over, I’m going home now.”

 

She bolted towards the front door, but Nayoung was quicker, latching onto the younger girl’s wrist before she managed to make her way out the door.

 

“I’ll drive you home.”

 

Sejeong shook her head, her cheeks still hot as she made various attempts to turn down the offer. Nayoung, however, was not one to give up after rejections, and eventually, they found themselves in Nayoung’s car once again, drowning in nothing but an awkward silence. Despite finding it hard to breathe, Nayoung was certain this car ride was a lot better than the one the day before.

 

“Do you like me, Sejeong?” Nayoung blurted out, unable to suppress the urge to break the silence anymore. Her grip is tight on the steering wheel, her eyes were unfocused and her heart was palpitating a little too quickly, but her ears remained sharp as she waited for an answer.

 

“Do you like me, Kim Sejeong?” Nayoung repeated.

 

The road was clear, save for some lorries driving at a speed slower than Nayoung’s record. The snow pattered on the windowpanes and Nayoung was reminded of how reluctant she would always be whenever she had to drive a car when it was snowing, but here she was, with Sejeong by her side, and suddenly all of that don’t matter anymore. She watched as Sejeong fidgeted at her seat, observed as she constantly rubbed her palms onto her jeans, and Nayoung forced herself not to break into a foolish grin.

 

“Why would I like you?” Sejeong snapped, turning to face the window. “You’re pretty, smart, rich, popular which translates to me being out of your league. And you have Lee Su-“

 

“Because I love you, Sejeong.”

 

That was enough to shut the other girl up. Nayoung was never someone who was risk-taking, never someone who was brave and courageous. That suited Sejeong better, and she was almost the opposite, always timid and afraid. But right at this moment, she felt desire burning within her.

 

“I love you, Sejeong.” She repeated, and honestly, she could go on repeating for hours.

 

Her eyes were still on the road ahead, but from the corner of them, she could make out Sejeong’s diverting gaze, and how her eyes were everywhere but on Nayoung. Nayoung took a right turn, stopping in front of Sejeong’s apartment. They’ve reached, but Sejeong was still planted on her seat.

 

“Sejeong?”

 

Sejeong swiveled her head around, and Nayoung could see how embarrassed she was, with the tip of her ears tinted red, her face flushed scarlet, and her eyes down as she continued to chew on her lower lip.

 

“I…” Sejeong started, and Nayoung listened patiently with crossed arms. “I love you too.”

 

Nayoung broke into a smile, a smile so wide she never knew she could ever be capable of cracking. Sejeong’s eyes finally met with hers, and slowly, the corners of her lips started to curve upwards.

 

“Be my girlfriend?” Nayoung said, reaching out to take Sejeong’s hand in hers.

 

Sejeong drew circles on the inside of her palm, cracked a wider smile, _if that was even possible,_ and nodded her head. Nayoung never dared to wish for something more.

//

 

Nayoung remembers the first date she had with Sejeong, and even as she compares it to the medals she has on her desk, she still thinks that that day had her feeling the most accomplished.

 

Nayoung had called it “ideal”, Sejeong argued that it was “dramatic”, but the fact was, the two high school students, who basically lived off their parents’ money, were about to have their lunch at a high-end restaurant that Nayoung had recommended.

 

“You’re crazy!” Sejeong said under her breath, afraid that if she were to speak a little louder, she would sound too uncivilized. “You know I can’t pay for anything on the menu.”

 

“No one says you’re paying,” Nayoung replied calmly as she flipped through the pages of the menu, whilst Sejeong’s remained untouched.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’ll be paying.” Nayoung closed her menu promptly, placing it at the side as she raised her hand to call for the waiter. She ordered two of the same dish, and Sejeong could only stare at her from the opposite end of the table, her eyebrows knitted and her fists clenched. After the waiter excused himself with a bow, Sejeong was quick to break the silence.

 

“You’re not serious about this, are you?”

 

Nayoung shrugged her shoulders, her lips coming to a pout.

 

“I already told you, first date’s on me.”

 

At the comment, Sejeong’s face immediately flushed red, but her shoulders were less tensed and her face was brighter.

 

Nayoung kicked start their conversation, and Sejeong evidently relaxed. She had expected the first date to be awkward, different, only that it wasn’t, and if anything, it became more comfortable, knowing that Sejeong was hers and that she didn’t have to share her with anyone else. They laughed and giggled endlessly, and it was only until their dished were served did their conversations come to a halt. Sejeong’s frown returned, and Nayoung, noticing that, gently knocked their knees together under the table, and when Sejeong shot her a questioning look, she smiled, and mouthed an _it’s okay_.

 

“Enjoy your meal.” The waiter said as he placed both plates on the table. Sejeong’s eyes immediately went to the huge plate in front of her, and she was absorbed in her thoughts until she felt slim fingers lifting her chin up.

 

“Enjoy your meal.” Nayoung parroted, and suddenly all thoughts in Sejeong’s mind were washed away, and she believed Nayoung, believed that it was going to be okay.

 

//

 

Nayoung remembers the first time Sejeong told her she was leaving.

 

Sejeong was never one to stay up late. She tucked herself to bed early every single day without fail, and eventually, she passed the influence to Nayoung. So when Nayoung woke up to the ringing of her cellphone at midnight with Sejeong’s name flashing on her screen, she had her suspicions.

 

Sejeong was also never one to leave her house at night. As Nayoung rummaged through her drawer for her cardigan, she couldn’t help but ponder over the reason Sejeong would ask for them to meet at the nearby park late at night. There was definitely something wrong.

 

Still, she left her house and sprinted to the park, her eyes constantly searching for the other girl. Once she’s spotted her at a bench, Nayoung slowed her pace and sat beside the girl.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

She placed her hands over Sejeong’s, and almost pulled back instantly. Sejeong’s hands were freezing cold.

 

“How long have you been out here?”

 

There was an edge to her voice. The fact that Sejeong had been out here, suffering in the cold, made Nayoung embarrassed and angry as a girlfriend. When she received no reply again, she removed her hands, placed them on Sejeong face, and turned it to face herself.

 

Her eyes widened at the sight of tears streaming down the other girl’s cheeks. Her eyes were glistening and her lips were quivering, and Nayoung felt her heart swell at the sudden vulnerability of the younger girl.

 

“Sejeong,” Nayoung said, her thumb coming up to wipe the stained tears, “Talk to me, Sejeong.”

 

Nayoung had never felt more hopeless in her life. She cupped Sejeong’s face, forcing her to stare back into her eyes. “Please.”

 

Sejeong released a shaky breath, before she removed Nayoung’s hands from her face. “I’m leaving Seoul.”

 

The silence was deafening, and Nayoung couldn’t believe her ears. Yet, she knew she heard it right and a mixture of emotions formed within her. Confusion. Sadness. Anger. As if Sejeong could read her mind, she answered before Nayoung had the chance to open her mouth to question her.

 

“My mother’s job is unstable here,” Sejeong started, “And the living standards in Seoul are too high. She can’t pay for them alone, and my brother is struggling between college and his part-time job. You won’t understand, Nayoung, and I don’t expect you to, but it’s tough, it’s really tough on us. I can’t live a day without thinking about whether I’d still have a roof over my head and shoes on my feet when I wake up the next day. I can’t go to school and not spend hours thinking about whether I can find a job in the future to support my family. It’s not easy living in Seoul, Nayoung, and I can’t do this anymore.”

 

Nayoung watched as Sejeong continued to wipe the tears from her face. She wanted to do something, she wanted to help, she wanted to make Sejeong smile again, but Nayoung knew there was nothing she could do.

 

“Don’t leave me, Sejeong.” She croaked, her voice cracking at the end.

 

Sejeong managed a small smile, and placed a kiss on Nayoung’s forehead. Their hands were intertwined, as if they were scared of losing each other, but both knew that was imminent.

 

“Sejeong, can you at least answer me this honestly?” Nayoung said as she cleared her throat. She needed confirmation. “If given another world, where we could decide tangible things like money by ourselves, would you still love me?”

 

Nayoung could feel her heart hammering in her chest, heard her pulse drumming in her ears. She was scared, but with trembling hands and sweaty palms, she held on to the other girl.

 

“Of course. I’ll love you no matter what, Nayoung. Even if we’re separated, even if we can’t be together, even if I don’t see you anymore, even if I don’t remember your face and even if I grow old, I’ll still love you and no one else.”

 

Nayoung felt tears brimming at her eyes, but the last thing she would have wanted was to break down in front of Sejeong. If Sejeong needed support, she could at least offer her one, even though it was pretentious. Nayoung forced a laughter.

 

“So we’re just unlucky?”

 

Sejeong laughed along, but her hands tighten around Nayoung’s.

 

“We’re really, really unlucky.”

 

Nayoung turned to face Sejeong, and under the moon light, she observed the creases and lines on Sejeong’s face, and although she doesn’t look one bit like how she did when they first met, she’s still Sejeong, and Nayoung would be able to recognize her anywhere, any time, any place. Her eyes trailed down to Sejeong’s lips, and she pondered on whether or not she has the courage to do what her heart wanted, but she was scared and afraid, and at the same time, she didn’t want to regret and let the chance slip. She leaned forward and pressed their lips together.

 

Sejeong’s lips were a little rough against hers, a little chapped at parts where some skin had been peeled off, but to Nayoung, it was the softest pair of lips she would ever feel. When she closed her pair of eyes, a teardrop trickled its way down her cheeks to the corner of her lips. It tastes salty and icky, but it also tasted of sadness and desperation. Her hands reached out to Sejeong’s nape, pulling her closer and crushing their lips together, because she was almost certain that she would never have the chance to do this ever again.

 

//

 

Crossing her left leg over her right, Nayoung plants her left elbow on the desk, propping her chin with the palm of her left hand. On her right, she picks up a pen, and drags it to the paper that rests on the wooden table. She starts writing.

 

She writes about what she did during the day, writes about what she had for lunch, and anyone who reads it would’ve concluded that it’s her personal diary, except that is isn’t, to some extent.

 

Nayoung writes and writes, and honestly she hates writing, hates anything that has to do with language, but she continues nonetheless. At the very end of the letter, she signs off with her name. Settling down her pen and folding the piece of paper twice, she slips it into an envelope, sealing it tight, knowing that it will never be opened again. She flips the envelope to the other side, and picks up her pen again. Her grip on the pen tightens, as she tries to write neatly at the top left, but really, she shouldn’t bother. It’s not like anyone is going to read it, anyway. Still, in neat handwriting, she lets the blue ink flow out of her pen to decorate the top of the envelope.

 

 _To Kim Sejeong_ , she writes.

 

Once she’s satisfied, she takes the envelope, pulls out a box from under her table, and tosses it in. She thinks she should get a new box soon, because the box is filled with countless of letters, with every single date labeled at the back. She closes the box and returns it to the bottom of her desk.

 

She drags her feet to her bed, wrapping herself with layers of blanket, hoping that the blanket burrito could provide her with some sort of comforting warmth. But even with the thick duvet covers, even with the air conditioner turned off, Nayoung feels cold. She’s freezing.

 

She closes her eyes shut, tries to ebb away her consciousness forcefully, but it fails, like every single time. Her mind is flooded with memories of Sejeong, and her heart swells. She flips to lie on her right shoulder, and it’s only then she realizes the left side of her cheek is damp, and her pillowcase is soaked through. A sniffle interrupts the silence of the room, and Nayoung mentally berates herself for acting so vulnerable again.

                            

 _It’s been years_ , she says to herself, _get over it._

Then, she scoffs, laughs at her poor attempt to be strong, because she knows that anyone could see through her act. She wraps herself tighter with blanket, presses her head deeper into the pillow, and when she finally lets her eyes flutter close, she clasps her hands together, and tries to hold on to a string of hope.

 

_I really miss you, Kim Sejeong._


End file.
